just another day in the life of. . .

The call came in yesterday, 1600. An official job offer that originally was contingent on me passing the pee test and the background check. I don't have anything to worry about on either count, but I still get nervous. . .what if somebody screws up on the testing? But no, I passed with flying colors, of course, and I'm offered a job that begins in two weeks, full benefits, insurance within the month. Starting wage is $1 more than I was making doing overtime for the ambulance, and it's an 8-5 M-F kind of gig. The potential for learning is absolutely incredible: I'll be adding to my knowledge every day I go to work, because I will be working in different places every day- urgent care one day, for a neurologist or cardiologist or internist or pediatrician, etc. the next. . .the possibilities are limitless. It's as close as I can come to working in an ambulance, except that, you know, I won't be going into people's houses, and I won't get to drive code-3, and my office won't be this cramped little space (well, maybe it will. . .), and I won't have interfacility transports or emergent MI's or traumas. . . But I will have almost full scope of practice- reading ECGs, injections, IVs. And the whole sleep thing will be nice. Several different fire departments to volunteer for up there, too. I'll be moving that general direction as soon as I can get some money together.
My son's hearing has been steadily declining for the past year, and his speech, once fairly clear, is now muffled and slurred. His autism spectrum disorder is also emerging more and more, and the school district is taking its own sweet time in their evaluation. Over a year, now, and we've seen no results. He's scheduled for a CT scan in the next month or so; who knows where that will lead us?
I woke up early this morning to the sound of my daughter sobbing and the distinctive rattle of the front doorknob jiggling. I couldn't tell where my daughter was- sound carries in this house- and my heart started pounding. I've had two attempted break ins in the last four months (what they want to steal, I have no clue), my car's been broken into twice, gunshots are commonplace (our neighbors rang in the new year with a drive by shooting), and I've had my share of peeping toms. I was afraid to call my daughter's name, so I snuck down the stairs and found her scrabbling at the front door, trying to get out. She was carrying one of her little pink 2 1/2 lb weights, god knows why, and had managed to undo one of the locks. . .thank goodness I had that deadbolt fixed after the last attempted break in, or she would have made it outside. She tells me at breakfast that she dreamed there was a fire in our house. Hazards of having a firefighter for a parent, I suppose- a hyperawareness of burning buildings. My relief was palpable. . .
I wonder sometimes if I will ever find a man strong enough to be my partner. . .I am not the easiest person to get to know, and I don't trust many people. My kids are my first priority, and anyone who can't handle my son's issues is rapidly dismissed from my life. Perhaps that's setting me up for failure, and maybe that's a defense mechanism. Do those of us with all these emotional walls find our way to EMS for a reason? I'm not the only one in this profession with boundaries etched in stone. Is it the hours, really, that prevent us from maintaining close personal relationships, or is that just an excuse? How long has it been since I've been with someone who truly knows me? Depressing to think that it's been years. . .